Sunday, September 13, 2009

How do you tell someone you're not interested in them halfway through having sex?

It's hard enough to tell someone you're not keen on them at the best of times. Imagine, then, how difficult it would be to say "thanks, but no thanks" when you're inches from jumping into bed.

That was this weekend's surreal experience.

I met a guy at a club, and under the soft glow of yellow lights and the drunken haze I was in, he looked good. Five hours later when everything started to wear off - the alcohol, and my patience - I realised I didn't want to have anything to do with the guy at all.

Everything he did - aggressive kissing, hard cock sucking, moans and other sex noises - they all made me cringe. Likewise, once he'd lifted his shirt I could tell he didn't know what the inside of a gym looked like, and he had a bellybutton piercing - this, on a guy, is the ultimate deal breaker for me. It is the pinnacle of FAGGOT. I'm being crude, but honestly, have you ever seen a bellybutton ring look hot on a guy? Think about it? it's likely that if you have, it was on a muscly male model with an 8 pack, not on an early-thirties gay guy who was soft around the edges. 

Suddenly I found everything about this guy incredibly ugly, a total boner shrinker. In a flash I decided that he needed to leave (hey, I'm a slut with standards ok?) but how do you tell someone that you don't want to fuck them when they're on their knees gagging for it?

"Sorry man, I don't want to sleep with you tonight," was all I could muster.

"What?" he asked incredulously, like I'd made some not-very-funny joke.

"Yeah... sorry. I'm not interested."

"Then why did you invite me over?? Are you serious?" He had a right to be pissed. I would have been too. But hey, it's my right to not add an ugly person to my list. This was the crucial moment though. Should I be nice and just keep up the feeble lie, or let loose with the truth - off like a bandaid - and be done with it all.

I decided to go down the nice road. I didn't want to crush this guy, but what I really wanted/needed to say was:

"I invited you over because I was drunk, but now that I'm relatively sober I can see that you're not someone I'd ever consider fucking in my life. Like, N.E.V.E.R. Furthermore, fuck you and your annoyed reaction. My mind is made up. Do you still want to have sex with someone who's repulsed by the idea of even touching you?"

The scene was out of this world. I shouldn't have brought him home, but hey - drugs and alcohol do funny things to anyone.

The worst thing about lying, even when you're trying to be kind in the process, is that it can often come and bite you in the arse. This time, it did - literally and metaphorically - because the guy turned out to be as fucking weird as I was.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked.

"Well, that's up to you," I said, while in my mind I was screaming "YES, OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO GO!!!"

So the fuckwit decided to stay.

"I'm going to sleep for a couple of hours then leave in the morning."

As if things couldn't get any more uncomfortable. Thank god my bed was big enough. He wanted to snuggle, to spoon. I wanted to get up and disinfect my body before going at it with a scourer. 

In the middle of the night he started it up again, trying to catch me in the middle of a half-asleep half-awake daze, but I just pushed him away.

As soon as the sun was up, so was I, making lots of sighing noises until he said "good morning" with his eyes still shut.

"Morning," I said.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked again.

"Well... it is a beautiful day outside --" I started.

"Yeah, okay, okay... give me five minutes," he said, cutting me off with a very annoyed tone.

Eventually he left, stalking around my room and down the stairs. No kiss goodbye. Just a "take care, see you later," and a huge sigh of relief once I'd closed the door again.

Yes, he's going to complain to his friends that he met the biggest weirdo on the weekend. He'll never know why I didn't want to sleep with him, but at least he's still got some level of belief in his looks. And at least I didn't add an ugly guy to the list of people I've fucked in this life.


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